already a skeptic

It doesn't take much. When it comes to marriage, although I really want to believe in it, the truth is, I'm WAY skeptical. And this news doesn't help. I mean, I take a look at my contemporaries and I don't see much to encourage me. Yet, I want to believe in the institution.

God knows I do, cuz I'z tired. I want, need a partner, a spouse, someone to carry the load, someone to make me a Proverbs 31 woman -- I've always wanted to say that -- whatever the hell that means LOLOL Actually, it's something I'm learning about, but just when I begin to read her and try to take her perspective seriously, this. With her whole empire built around her life story and the redemption found in her relationship not only with God, but with her husband.....

Sheeeiiiiittt, if she can't get it right, who can?

I find myself praying for DIFFERENT things now. But, it's faith I need more than anything. That things will come not in MY time, but in HIS time. Yet, this skepticism is wearing me out....

I'm soo tired of hearing about it, talking about it. Nosmoking Gonzales*

[Song of the Day: "Love Your Tears" by Mint Condition]

An ANNUAL Meme

Since I do meme's on this date annually, let the trend continue: The Saturday 8.

sat-8 :: changes.
tell us ... when was the last time you changed....

1. hairstyle?
- wow, has it really been almost 10 years? I've been wearing braids, in various styles and hues for nearly 10 years. WOW! Clearly overdue, which is why things WILL be a changin' come birthday time!!!

2. residence?- well, I moved into this place in the spring of '06. Will be moving out in the spring of '08.

3. your job?- december 2005. so far, so good. yes, I AM happy!

4. your significant other?- haven't had one of those since I've lived here. before that....define significant other LMAO

5. your circle of friends?- last momentous shift was in 2005. me thinks the sands are shifting again, what with folks getting married, having babies, and I'm just not a part of that crowd. seems to happen with age.

6. your favourite food? and what was the new discovery?
- salads. with dressing. i used to eat salads very sparingly, and even then, dry -- sans salad dressing. but, high blood pressure had me changing the diet and i eat salads everydayumday of my life now. i've come to love the ease of making them and adding all the different flavors to make them quite delicioso!

7. your favourite vacation spot? and why should we go?- this is completely unbelievable, i know, but i don't HAVE a favorite vacation spot. someplace i'd go over and over and over again. i like to travel to new destinations. but if i were to pick a couple, stateside, i'd say hawaii and hilton head. i'd go back to both in a heartbeat if I had number 4 to tag along with me ;)

8. your favourite movie or television show ... from what to what?
- ahh, gee...love jones used to be my favorite movie, but i'm not so sure it is anymore. yet, i can't say anything has replaced it....

Sex and Envy

237.

Yes, Virginia, apparently there are at least 237 reasons why humans (at least of the American species) have sex. See for yourself.

Any to add to that, perchance?

The reasons vary, widely....and I must admit, I was initially amazed at the breadth of the reasons offered.

"The person caressed me."

"Because of a bet."

"The person was too physically attractive to resist."

"I wanted to be used or degraded."

"I wanted to communicate at a 'deeper' level."

"I wanted to feel closer to God."

Oh my. My oh.

Why I was surprised? Well, when one isn't having sex, on the regular, I suppose, it's not difficult to be surprised by who is and what rationale they are offering to get some. Hell, for a minute I couldn't even get myself off -- this is clearly a poll question for 360 -- but I've HANDled that issue, at least for the time being! But I'm so obviously envious. Well, perhaps not to YOU, but that "sin" has been coursing through my veins for a minute now. Perusing the list just made me consider, just how neglected my sexual life has been -- for WAY to long. It's all tied up to my "emotional intimacy issues" and I've begun addressing those, so that erotic, loving, passionate LOVEmaking I so desire should be a regular feature in my world again in the days to come.

Knock on wood.

Speaking of wood, and after having pulled out the seminal text on contemporary black erotic fiction, I realize I MUST reread all these stories again. For every one of those 237 must have been represented somewhere in the pages and pages of novels, poems, short stories, haikus, interpretive plays and dramas that are posted in anthologies under Erotica in your local bookstore. It's been about 15 years since I was first introduced to the genre, and I'm discovering how much joy there is to be re-introduced later in the game. Having had the opportunity to learn, try, discover, fail, and try again many things, me thinks I'm up for rediscovering the genre at this point in my life. So much I think I know, so much to LEARN!

What makes me most envious, sexually, that is...is what I'm not getting to experience, that others are getting to experience. Me wants some of that, too, yanno? Be clear though, that I realize that what I WANT will take a definitively spiritual focus and life-encompassing drive, for my next sexual experience will be ethereal.

And YOU will be the envious one....trust.

[Song of the Day: "If I Have My Way" by Chrisette Michelle]