Let the Pics talk...for now

Click the Pic

Reflections on the Door to 34

I should be working. I have a shitload of things to do. But my mind wanders. Can't concentrate on anything for too long. It's my birthday, ya'll....and I should be SO excited I could just spit. I'm trusting my mood will improve in a couple days, but right now, I'm just reflective of this past year, and it doesn't have me in a good place.

It has been hard to smile this year, really hard to smile -- and I'm KNOWN for my smile. I've worn this "mask" for most of the year, and not well, if I say so myself. More tears than I knew I had in me; more heartbreak than I've ever experienced in my life. I'm weary. I'm tired. I want complete happiness, complete joy. I'm soo through with pain, emotional and physical.

Someone jokingly asked if I was turning 23, and sadly, I admitted, I wish I was...23 was a much more joyful year than 33. I think 33 was a year of frustration, especially in relationships, but I also grew restless in other areas, whether I admitted it or not. My heart has got to stop aching, and I truly hope the answers come to me in the coming year. I don't want to be discouraged by what has transpired this year, and I'm really trying to keep my mind and heart open to possibilities. Emotional intimacy turns out to be trickier to manage that I ever imagined!

And I'm not just speaking of romantic relationships, but I've been discouraged by the breakdown of familial and platonic relationships as well. From my father and brother down to the latest brotha with asshole tendencies to declare "it's not you, it's me", men have disappointed me over the last 365. My girlfriends and "friend-boys" (if that ain't the dumbest term ever) are turning out to be less friendly and more like strangers. I know walking into 34 I'll have less people to turn to that I can call friends. If I seek joy and peace, the drama and distance have to be deleted.

Romantically speaking....God's will be done. I clearly cannot be the "decider" in this avenue.

• I've given ugly a chance.

• Given old and decrepit a chance (well, not decrepit, well worn, HA!)

• Given young and stupid a chance.

False promises abound. I'm tired of hearing it. I just pray God keeps my heart, open, so I can see, hear, recognize the love of my life when he shows up....

I'm soo becoming a middle-aged woman! But this is one place I'm fighting back, and I think I'm winning! Hypertension be dammed! Hypothyroidism be dammed! Dry skin be dammed! Periodontal disease be dammed!

I've lost 17 pounds since the spring. I exercise 5 days a week. I've changed my diet. A new dentist means my gums are healthier, and my smile still pretty as ever. Ix-nay the birth control (who's having sex, anyway? ain't me!) and my blood pressure drops. I'm still fighting the thyroid disease and all the symptoms/effects, but not only do I feel the results, others see them too! It just confirms what I believe -- that I'm getting prettier, better with age! I love my full breasts, my flat azz, my gorgeous chocolate coated skin, my full and healthy hair...which will likely see the light of day after 10 years of braids come early 2008!!

I'm loving my job! Every time I say that though, I feel like I may be jinxing myself. If it were to end tomorrow, I know I've finally found my passion, professionally, and I could find myself doing what I do somewhere else. But I also have other professional goals that I've finally identified, but have yet to act on. I've come a long way in 3 years.....

Yes, it has been 3 years since I arrived here. I'm about to settle, become a homeowner, make roots, if you will. The messages I hear from God keep me grounded here, and he's made a way for me this far. Even with all the disappointments of the year past, he's given me genuine smiles in my spiritual growth. I've discovered that I cry when I talk to God, and cry when I hear from him. Can't control it; it just happens. I've cried LOTS of tears this year.....

May the tears keep coming....with smiles and joy for year #34.

[Song of the Day: "Do You Feel Me" by Anthony Hamilton]

Happy Birthday to me ~ See you on the other side!

THE annual event is coming