Karma's Tears

Unrequited affection.
Unrealized potential.
I've shed a tear.

Karma is a bitch.

A few years back I was a brothas piece. Yes, me. It was a strictly dickly affair. Now, he was "reasonably attractive" (I've always wanted to use that phrase LMAO), single, no kids, employed, with his own place and car, got along with his family, non-smoker, educated, yanno....all the things I said I wanted in a man. In hindsight, I failed to REALIZE it was all about the sex initially, but when it did strike me, I made my peace with it and served my role faithfully. He rang, I came. Literally and figuratively. There were no dates, and conversation was just enough to continue the interest. Any public outings consisted of locales you might could find us doin' the damn thing, because yes, I like it like that.

I made the "mistake" of inviting him, once, to a networking event and he accepted the invitation. I was surprised, yes, because never before had he expressed much interest in my life outside of the bedroom. But he showed, up and apparently, he had a good time. He saw me interact with others, got a glimpse of my life, outside of the sex, and apparently he liked what he witnessed.

I'll never forget, the very next weekend, he asked me out. On a date. He was all cuddly and affectionate. He took me to the movies and he wanted to go out to dinner, but I feigned a headache and ended up going home. Aside from the standardness (Is that a word? LOL) of the activities, I was totally freaked out. WTF? This is/was all about the sex, and now, suddenly he's feeling...amorous and lovey-dovey. Nah, not the kid. I was content with my role and we all know you can't make ya ho, ya housewife.

I never called him again, and avoided his calls for as long as I could. Eventually, he stopped calling. Can't say I thought of him much over the years, but I'm confident he has found the right woman to fill the next role in his life, lover and wife.

I'm there again, but this time the shoe is on the other proverbial foot. I failed to remember that you can't make ya ho, ya house-husband, in this case. Predictably, the brotha has gone into hiding, and I can't say I blame him. Again, when I admitted I wanted this to be more than just sex, and ACCEPTED he obviously couldn't give me that, I did shed a tear. I had to chalk it up to the game and give the brotha up (for lent LOL) It's not what I wanted, but then again, getting this RIGHT is not about what I want, now is it?

Yea, karma is a bitch.

Song of the Day: "Young Love" by Teena Marie

Friendship

My love tank is fluctuating. I gotta blog this out......

The pain of losing/giving up/moving on and realizing it wasn't a friendship after all
juxtaposed with....
The joy of finding all your long lost acquaintances from your youth
and the fact that at work, spring term always just rubs my emotions
Simultaneously, I guess it can be enough to make a grown woman cry.

Enough has been said about the loss. This is simply acceptance.

What has been most difficult to accept is the change in my role in the development and sustenance of friendships. Particularly with females, but also with males that live in the metro area. I've lamented publicly about the lack of courtesy displayed by members of the male persuasion here, but this discourteous nature is in full effect among women, too. And it has sidelined plenty of promising relationships. I'm not sure if it is an affect of distrust or insecurity or just a simple lack of manners, but I learned early on that other peoples' time, attention, and values are not honored here, which makes sincere friendships difficult to sustain. This I find to be a shame. Truly.

So the joy (and some small sense of pride) I experience in navigating and meshing my social circles and seeing them, and the resultant friendships, grow and develop has been missing here, and I believe is a major factor in why Atlanta just....is, for me. While I have met plenty people and consider some friends, I don't have a growing circle/clique in this town, and I've accepted now that I may never. It's so unlike my previous life that it has taken me nearly 5 years to recognize the source of discontent. Plenty has been written about women and friendships and men and friendships and about women and men and friendships over the years, and while I am a firm believer in the latter, I've heard so many females express how they don't get along with other females, that it makes me wonder how is our sisterhood being sustained?

I believe I have tried. I've made various attempts, expended some effort to know women and establish friendships with them in this town, but it hasn't been as successful as I would have liked. Considering this is one of my 5 Bold Steps though, I have got to try a new thing, eh? God help me figure out what that new thing is.....

But in the meantime, in between time, God HAS smiled on me in truly unexpected ways regarding friendship. For all the hoopla surrounding Facebook, if for nothing else, I am grateful for the connections it is re-establishing in my life. Unlike others that shall remain nameless, I didn't hate HS or JHS, or have experiences that I'd rather not relive...I just moved on to other spaces and places when I graduated. So I am not opposed to sharing what has been going on/continues to go on in my life and discovering the latest and greatest in the lives of those I grew up with. And every day brings a new reconnection and a big ol' grin LOL As a grown woman, I can appreciate the memories of my youth and the times shared, but also recognize that all of us are different people and accept how our varied life journeys have shaped us. Thus, I will not be disappointed if the reconnection is not sustained, just as I will be overjoyed if it is. People are in our lives for a reason and/or a season and in this season God has touched my heart about the importance of friendships. So I'm feeling inspired to develop and sustain them. Again, this new thing, for surely old methods clearly don't work....God help me figure out what it is!

..::More to Come ::..

Bad Decisions

Yesterday, I had a moment of clarity around a lyric. I changed my FB status to read that I was:

"realizing that "the man's a bad decision" is not quite the same as the "demands of bad decisions".... Selah!"

Having LOVED this song from the moment I first heard it on some movie soundtrack (somebody help me out here, cuz I surely have forgotten WHICH flick LOL), I was always perplexed by a particular line. To me, it just didn't make that much sense. And when I was channeling LBoogie I HAD to be wrong and ain't nothing quite as embarrassing as singing out loud, strong and WRONG LOL. So I googled the lyrics and suddenly it all made MORE sense.

Someone close to me is struggling and her struggles are visible and emotional and she lashes out from time to time in very public arenas. Having never been in her position and because we are so close it is very easy for me to see her side and empathize with her and swear with everything in me that it'll never be me cuz I'm seen it too many times to fall for the same trap. Ha! The man's a bad decision...

However, even all my self-righteous indignation is a lie because I've been in similar situations, perhaps not with all the same accoutrements. And it can be read in the pages of this blog, just as it stains my heart. Granted, I take care not to name names and I fully believe at least 75% of the time readers will have no clue of who I am referring to, but when a woman is fed up, tact and carefulness might not be the actions of the moment. So her pain was blasted for all to see, and then came the response, from the intended target. The demands of bad decisions...

Something I picked up in my attempt to Reposition Myself is that the decisions one makes affects all those around you, to paraphrase. Jakes uses the analogy of the truck driver to explain how careful thought, a plan or a strategy, must be in place in order for the driver to make safe passage for her/himself and those valuable she/her is transporting, the attachments, if you will. That decisions made in haste, to switch lanes, for instance, can be deadly, detrimental to the driver and/or the load being carried. Consider them bad, decisions that is, that may lead to chain reactions, influences that trigger...demands.

In the end it's all about discipline and self-control. For the driver, for self. So that which surrounds you will be safe.

Oh please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself
So I can heal......


..::More to Come::..
Song of the Day: "Selah" by Lauryn Hill

Actively Fulfilled Or....?

Am I overwhelmed? Nah, not yet, but the feeling is approaching, if that makes sense.

I've prayed about this and I am engaged in a process to reposition myself, yes. Things are HAPPENING and I suppose it is only natural to feel like it is all more than I can handle, no?

I am fond of saying I have the utmost confidence in my students, so I should have that same confidence in myself. So this really isn't worry, rather it is stress LOL

For the first time in a LONG time, I'm busy with projects, people, activities where I find fulfillment. I said to myself the other day, it's almost like life was when I was in DC....

• I'm on the Advisory Committee of my HOA
• I've joined my Community Association
• I've been matched with a Little
• I've been nominated for President of the network of my peers at work. This is state, regional, and potentially national face time, folks.
• I'm the publicity chair for a love & relationships workshop series (I know, the irony slays me too!)
• Then there's the MEAC Picnic, the National Black Arts Festival, the Social Butterflies and the Daughters of Destiny Retreat.....

The 5 Bold Steps and the classes I've been taking this winter quarter have shaped this journey, and I'm making progress on every front. The stress comes from having not figured out how this will all work, how I will succeed at all of this.....but FAITH, but GOD!

The lazy procrastinator in me is going to have to take vacation, and I'm going to have to let go of FB LOL Spring is always the most hectic time of the year professionally, and now, it seems personally, and for the first time in a long time, it is not just busy for me, but busy for others, for good and it is rewarding. Even if I'm slightly stressed out, it's the action and activity that I needed in my world. I've recently learned that Acts of Service is my secondary love language, and it is apparent that my love tank in this regard shall be full.

So can I exhale and take a drink and send the procrastinator on vacation now? LOL

..::More to Come::..

Have I Been Afraid?

"Most circumstances, I know my fate

But in this love thang, I don't get the game.

Why does it feel like those who give in,

They only wind up losing a friend?

. . . :: . . .

Why do we love Love,

When Love seems to hate us?"

The question has crossed my mind more than I care to admit lately. I have to wonder, especially when I consider it's been over a decade since I was last in.love. Over a decade since I was seriously.involved. Over.a.decade. Ouch!

I've been lamenting this for years, yes. However, I am finally, honestly, engaged in a process to do something about it. As much as I have shifted blame to the shiftless, trifling, negroes I have let into my orbit, it really all boils down to me and my readiness for love. I haven't been sincere about this before and boy, does it ever show. I'm afraid I have been afraid. But prayerfully, no more.

I have been studying and learning the 5 Love Languages for a few months now and asking for God's guidance and my acceptance that his will be done in matters of my heart. Truly, this pertains to more than just my potentially romantic relationships, as well. For relationships that I have cherished for years with persons I consider dear and close friends are fragile and an effort will be required to sustain them. For interactions I have had with newer acquaintances have been unfulfilling and perplexing, and all of this is an affect of ignoring my heart.

In these lessons I pray I will overcome this fear and allow the necessary vulnerability to be present so that my emotional, mental, spiritual growth will no longer be impeded. It is one thing to say I WANT love, and quite another to ACT in a way to both give and receive it. No more excuses!

Lately, I've become reacquainted with many persons from my past, and while these reconnections were never something I looked for, I have been all too pleased from the reminiscing that occurs. I've even been surprised by the revelations! Now, some of these friendships will be sustained, others will again fall by the way side, but I can accept that, and not hold any feelings or emotions about it. I came across a meaningful quote not long ago that summed up this notion nicely:

... people happen your life. They move in or pass through. You can't make it be either, but you have to enjoy whatever there is...

Learning to apply this principle in my quest to learn about love may be a challenge, but it gets to the heart of my fear. Letting go of the fear should allow me to grow in love. Prayerfully so....

Song of the Day: "Lions, Tigers & Bears" by Jazmine Sullivan

ReSONGnating....

All the years of loneliness
Came crashing down on me
But like a storm that's just been building up
Too long....

When I look inside to find me
There was no one there to guide me
And I'm tired, tired of trying so hard
To be strong...

I need, I need, I need
The comfort of a man...

I need, I need, I need
The comfort of a man
Nothing understands
Like the comfort of a man...

Don't you think it's awfully sad
How empty life can be
I'd give my soul to someone who needed me
Just needed me for me

So afraid to reach out (reach out)
So used to being without
And it's taken too long a time
For me to see

I need, I need, I need
The comfort of a man...

One loving heart reach out to me
Too strong hearts hold on to me
Somewhere in your eyes I want to see
Love shining through, I'm begging you
(Baby please baby...)

Comfort of a loving man
The comfort of...
The comfort of a man
The comfort of a man

(fade to end)

..::More to Come::.., but I needed to get that out...of the way.

Song of the Day: "The Comfort of a Man" by Stephanie Mills