QOTD

"...it is a relationship that I am growing to care about and want to take care of. Can't say I've felt that way in a long time about a relationship with a Black man."

Now THAT'S profound!

..::More to Come::..

Self-professed profound ... NOT

More like diarrhea of the mouth, just to clear my mind of all that has occurred lately. Also because I have not been blogging and I think blogging.every.day is on my 101 things to do list, for which the time frame is quickly running out, so I probably need to go take a gander at those things I said I would accomplish before the end of September, eh? But I woke up this morning feeling like a blog, which this is likely a poor excuse for because it's really, like I said, diarrhea of the mouth, spilling everything going on in my head beginning with what came outta me this week since I got sick, so suddenly, but as much as I want to place blame on some food, part of me got nauseous because my friends are feeling the woes of this economy and I feel it for them when they get laid off, or told their positions are being eliminated. I was really no more good the day I heard that for my girl, although she is is good spirits -- all things considered -- I feel for her because no one wants to be in this predicament in their 40s yanno, and that gets me to thinking about my 40s and how I just refuse to even look at my retirement funds and how I really need to get a handle on my old folks and my papa and the responsibility of it all, and it makes me queasy, so yea, I said it. And quietly there have been days when I silently wished that this queasiness could be attributed to life growing in me because the dream seems to fade by the day, but then I consider who would be the source of that life and lament that I would hate the experience of co-parenting, the way we were, so I knock that notion from my mind because that is not how it will go down for me. No single mamahood, no co-parenting. Husband, wife, baby, it shall be if it is to be, for me. What exactly is for me? I know what is not and as soon as this young boy figures that out maybe he'll cease to exist in my orbit as well. God has a wicked sense of humor I am learning. He does give me what I ask for, but it always seems to be extreme, and that makes me reconsider altogether just what it is that I want. I mean really, I've known you less than a week, and already you are on the DNA list and I haven't replied to a text in a couple days. Why are you still trying me? "We'll see" he says. We won't I say. Test ME in this, playa. My resolve is always strong when it must be. That blockheaded rapper has found that out, too. But what am I finding out? I had a most revealing dream that was disturbing in some sense, but then I wonder if these are subconscious feelings or something I am being told to act on. In a way it seems painful, but I also know if things were to really go down as such, there would be opening for joy in a space where I haven't been joyful in a while. Friends, man, maintaining the relationships shouldn't be so difficult at my age. Family, too. Whew. But that is a whole NUTHA blogpost. Closing thoughts, cuz I just need to wrap this up, it's really all about one thing --

I want to get my relationships right.
Have to get my house in order.
Cannot take the easy route.

But I'm tired, and I question if anyone even cares. Even more, does it matter? God's child is still a work in progress....