Converted.

"Many people never experience the richness of a relationship in which love is given and received.  If anger is all you have left, the the joy-robbers win twice -- they take your present peace as well as the rich memories of having had someone love you, care about you, learn with you." ~ TD Jakes.
 -- oh the memories, how tainted they are.  the more I try to forget, the more minutiae I remember.  forgiveness is hard, especially as I've never received a genuine apology.  and I still smart from his hypocritical Christian endeavors and study of Ephesians.  it's been a test of my faith like no other -- yet, I seek that present peace, daily.  at some point, I have to think he did care...

"It is true that at some time or other all us will let even ourselves down.  But you don't have to serve a life sentence just because you made poor judgements in the past." ~ TD Jakes
 -- will I ever forgive myself for being such a poor judge of character? for being fooled by the lust? for not communicating with him with my concerns and doubts earlier?  for being swept up in the idea of him, of us? for making such a wrong choice?

"Sometimes the real treasure comes in the building process.  If you have been knocked down to the foundation and all you have left is shattered love, then maybe it's time to rebuild.  Love and kindness often take a real beating in the process of socialization with another flawed individual.  But you will never regret taking the high road." ~ TD Jakes
 -- will I recognize and acknowledge my faults in this here, too? that I should have called him on his untruths about his living situation, his income or lack thereof, and false promises to me, for me at the very start.  that I should have been more cautious with my heart, and not have second-guessed my intuition, which proved me right, even 20 years later.

"Write about it, teach about it, share your story with people who may be tempted to make the mistakes you have made...Converting our experiences from agony to energy is a very important step in self-recovery...it is the power of conversion that makes us able to use our pain for power to help others through a storm." ~ TD Jakes
-- be vulnerable enough to talk about it.  it is the not-talking that is tearing my spirit, ruining me, not him, for the rest of life.  i can say his name.  Patrick Darnell Parker.  and you can, too.  at the end of the day, dealing with the likes of him, is a life lesson for me.  especially in my Christian walk.  it can be for others, too.

there it is.  conversion begun.

...::more to come::..

Excerpts from "Let it Go: Forgive So You Can Be Forgiven" by TD Jakes.

[Song of the Day: "Love Never Fails" by Kem]