How do I know?
Dare I say, I feel free to live again?!
The need to place blame, solely with him, or even with me...to place blame at all, is fading. So it took longer than I wanted it to. I wanted to be over him, over this failed relationship as soon as our final conversation. I thought I had dealt with the immediate emotional response when I learned the truth. It's all over my blogs of last fall. But the wounds of his actions were embedded deep and it took lots of tears, lots of prayers, lots of study, lots of reflection, lots of time spent with friends, loved ones, even former strangers to get me to grow to this place. A big chop and a brand new image, intense weekly conversations on spirituality and sexuality, girls' weekends away, cigars and drinks with the fellas, and the ever present check-ins from my loved ones, to whom I am like a daughter, a sister, a cherished friend.
So a couple seasons later, as opposed to a couple months, and that closure is near. I've gone through all my stages of grief. It helps that we are thousands of miles apart, and there's no natural reason for our paths to ever cross again. Yet, even if they did, my larger desire is for a joy-filled journey. In that, there can be no room for the bitterness or regrets of the past to spread. This IS a rebuilding process, and there is treasure in this journey. I must also consider that I, too, may need to be forgiven, so I want to live a life that can be emulated and be a better example to others. And better to myself!
[Song of the Day: "Come What May" by Patti Labelle]
- My dreams are returning and are more vivid. Details, people that I love, and places I adore are reappearing in my subconscious.
- My confidence is coming back. I'm out more, talking more, sharing more and genuinely enjoying the company of others more.
- I have this restlessness for something different -- circumstances, environment, exposure. I am considering new desires and possibilities
- I can listen to Kem, again, without tears :~)
Dare I say, I feel free to live again?!
The need to place blame, solely with him, or even with me...to place blame at all, is fading. So it took longer than I wanted it to. I wanted to be over him, over this failed relationship as soon as our final conversation. I thought I had dealt with the immediate emotional response when I learned the truth. It's all over my blogs of last fall. But the wounds of his actions were embedded deep and it took lots of tears, lots of prayers, lots of study, lots of reflection, lots of time spent with friends, loved ones, even former strangers to get me to grow to this place. A big chop and a brand new image, intense weekly conversations on spirituality and sexuality, girls' weekends away, cigars and drinks with the fellas, and the ever present check-ins from my loved ones, to whom I am like a daughter, a sister, a cherished friend.
So a couple seasons later, as opposed to a couple months, and that closure is near. I've gone through all my stages of grief. It helps that we are thousands of miles apart, and there's no natural reason for our paths to ever cross again. Yet, even if they did, my larger desire is for a joy-filled journey. In that, there can be no room for the bitterness or regrets of the past to spread. This IS a rebuilding process, and there is treasure in this journey. I must also consider that I, too, may need to be forgiven, so I want to live a life that can be emulated and be a better example to others. And better to myself!
[Song of the Day: "Come What May" by Patti Labelle]
1 comments:
Very deep and relatable. I am just getting here, will take a seat and browse around.
Nice to meet you, me llaman Tracita Linda. :)
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