It dawned on me...

...that it has been 2 years and I still, really, haven't forgiven myself, nor him, really for the nonsense that was. I can say all day that I'm past that. Moved on. Forgotten it, and him, but that isn't really the truth. But I damn sure what it to be, because I am SO desiring whatever is next. Love. Life. Legendary stuff. The highs. The lows. All of it wrapped up in the relationship of my dreams that makes my heart content!

"Just fix it" is what her character said and that resonated with me because I claim I have nothing to fix. Haven't had anything to fix in years, but I'm wanting again. And with that want, came the realization: It's myself I have to fix. No, FORGIVE.

Fact: Two years ago, I got mad at him about something. Never really got over that anger about his ways. But I allowed it to continue, even though I knew better. Even though I deserved better. And today, I am still mad at myself for allowing that nonsense to continue for so long. Every day I see this reminder, and a little part of me get pissed off all over again.

"Just fix it." It has to cease. I have to forgive. I want more and I want it -- love, life...NOW.

I realized immediately, that being 2 years ago, that what was occurring was not right, nor could it ever be, for me.

So I forgive myself for making silly choices. Unwise decisions. Catering to my carnal desires, instead of my intelligent, moral values.

So I forgive myself for the past 2 years. For not requiring more. For settling. For putting up with mediocre when I swore I never would again.

So I forgive myself for thinking erroneously. For trying to convince myself that with time, attention, instruction, things could change in my favor.

I forgive so I can release him, and that 2-year entanglement of our our emotions, feelings, flesh. So I can be "fixed" and ready and open to receiving the blessing of my future.

Before it's too late.....