#FixMyLife

While my general feelings toward Iyanla over the years have been lukewarm, while watching her new show OWN, I've come to the realization that her methods are much needed, and have been missed.  She certainly knows how to give voice to that common sense that we all have, especially women, that we all to often ignore.  Often to our own detriment.  Her own story tells of such neglect, and as such she becomes a likely advocate for helping people fix their lives.  By doing the work, as she says.

So, in her very first two episodes she attempted to help Evelyn Lozada fix her life, and simultaneously reached thousands, if not millions of viewers, women and men, I suppose, with her wisdom and advice.  Watching it is almost like a live therapy session for all the viewers. Tidbits that struck me, as I heal, STILL, from a completely broken heart:

Your intuition is your power. What did I dismiss, deny, ignore?
I said he wasn't shit 20 years ago.  That is written in my diary.  I was suspicious of his relationships then. Twenty years later, now three kids have been added to the dysfunction. Didn't finish school, he has no job/steady income, he lives with his baby mama, and women have been taking care of him his entire life. He told me as much.  So why did I believe his words about me/us, when his life-long actions said otherwise?

Accepted, tolerated, accommodated inappropriate behavior from a man. The signs of infidelity.
The time difference aided his deceit. The lies and blaming things on his children. Not getting mail at "home." His being unreachable and unresponsive when I am in town. He didn't buy that strawberry lube for me...I was leaving. And the nonstop text messages before 8am...when I am in the room with him?

Invisible wounds take the longest to heal.
Trust shattered. Doubt takes over. Cynicism reigns. Resisting all parts of the dating and relating scene. Believing I'm good, single. The memories are fading, but my heart is STILL recovering, healing. Me thinks this will help...

Shattered fantasies...what are you chasing?
"The fione."  Yep, told him that almost everytime I saw him. "Ohmygawd, he's so fine!" The physical attraction was strong.  He's the right height. Bald, well-groomed, well-dressed. He smelled good, and lawd, that beard. Just the right touch of salt&pepper. And the way he looked at me, slayed me every.single.time. And his kisses....memorable. My lawd, I loved being in his mouth. He SAID the right things. Even invoked God. Marriage. The history. The crush. I wanted that story.  He fit the image.  The substance was dismal, but he fit the image, with his pretty azz.

He came into your life as a teacher, no matter how he did it.
This is the most challenging to admit. I struggle to determine what was positive about this experience. He taught me to trust my intuition. Not to disregard my suspicions.

When you only tell a little bit of truth the part you leave out will come back to bite you. It takes courage to tell it all. 
This I wish he knew, and had practiced. But I noticed his lack of courage from the start.  But mine? I wasn't "OK" with his living situation. I wasn't "OK" with him not being able to afford me/us. I wasn't "OK" with his excuses and my first realization he'd lied to me, about Vegas. It came back to bite me, because I didn't discourage him from pursuing me, with his half-assed effort. Courage and integrity would have kept me away. Now THAT'S the truth!

Vote for yourself. Why is that so hard?
I'd finally done that, just hours before it all came to a crashing end. But couldn't go through with it.  I'd a g o n i z e d about it for weeks, days. Prayed and cried, prayed and cried. Decided I deserved better, that he could never fulfill that particular role on my journey. Maybe, I could be open to another role. But face-to-face, I got sidetracked by the fione...and put voting for myself on the back burner for at least another day. And then, to let his fiancee' vote for me...that's the kicker in all of this. Fiancee'? HA -- jokes on ME!

I am ashamed, I am embarrassed that I let that negro fool me.  I am ever more cautious with my heart, to my emotional demise. It bothers me that a year later, even with the eventual apology, that this heartache has lasted longer than the relationship. But if I am going to #FixMyLife, I have to admit all of this, and stop pedestalizing (is that a word? LOL) him, us.  Stop the denial. Of what has happened, and what I want to happen. The day can't come soon enough that he ceases to cross my mind, invade my memory, that a new love can enter my sphere, my heart.
 
Forgiveness, is at the heart of this.  I've offered it, and yet and still, it remains an everyday thing. I gotta forgive myself, as I have him. Maybe More and more, I come to believe that IS the lesson God has for me in ALL of this. The key to #FixingMyLife...

[More to Come]