I had a moment last night

I had a moment last night.

Full on, tears, snottin', maybe a little bit of wailing. When I think about it, it has been brewing up for a few days now. The full moon may have played its own part in lighting up my buried sorrow, and music...music broke the dam.

Radio sent up clues today. I heard two songs in particular that speak to heartbreak. One was a feature in the end of a not so distant relationship that I have successfully moved past. The other a song from over 25 years ago that I can't even remember that last time it was played; but as soon as I heard the melody knew exactly what it was, even if I couldn't be sure which dude I may have been rotating the song about at the time ;) And I heard it TWICE today. Once via Spotify and then, radio blessed my ears with it. Should have been a clue...

This is an emotional time, even if I don't care to admit it. My thoughts are colored with what was, how we began, how we ended, and what could have been. I feel lucky that our paths haven't crossed, as I am not entirely sure how I would react. But the way today has been set up, I'm slightly scared for what I may run into this week.

Then, tonight, the radio tried to wipe.me.out!

"I want to be the one that you always want to be near
I want to say the words that your body
And soul need to hear
I want to be the one that you let give you all the loving
But I have nothing"

My gawd, are you serious?!

The cry was cathartic in the end. It had to come out, so I can finally, and officially have a clean slate, a healed heart.

I woke up feeling different. As the anniversary date passes, my emotions about everything #heneedsanickname are different, now. That is not to say our memories don't cross my mind, because they still do, but how I feel about them have changed. The disappointment, the regret, the shame, and embarrassment...these feelings have faded. Eventually, I know, any thought I do have of him, and our time together, will be met with the same indifference I hold toward the others in my roster of ex-lovers that are ain't-shit negroes.

But it tells me, yet again, I am stuck in a pattern with the WRONG type. Whew lawd, when will I get it right? That moment last night has to be the first step in the RIGHT path. Lawd, let it be so.

..:: more to come ::..