The Challenge of a Journey

"You are the type of woman no man should want to ever let go of…..who in the world let you slip away?"

Says Mr. Marshall....

Then he let me go.

I finally got the explanation, and I saw it coming -- It's not you, it's me....

My heart is soooo crushed. I'm not so worried that I won't heal from this -- I'm worried I won't ever be truly open to love and all it's possibilities again. It's the hardening that bothers me. So that can't be healing, eh.....

A history that will never turn into a future, and I'll never know why.

"He underestimated the impact he had on my life" -- to borrow a quote from my girl, SueZette.... (Thanks Chica :o)

He infused his way into my existence through our daily conversation, interaction, planted seeds, left thoughts, suggested dreams....that could be realized.

I appreciate his bringing me out of my plateau -- he indulged my questions, he gave me answers, so much food for thought....

I could never get enough. Our friendship blossomed into...more, with a purpose. I'm just in shock that this purpose has been served -- I feel like there's so much left to know/share/do/say/have.....

Thoughts of him crawl into my most mundane activities:

• I'm in Williams-Sonoma looking at Calphalon grill pans because HE swears by 'em....



• He asked me to watch "What Dreams May Come" months ago -- Netflix delivered it over the weekend. I dunno how I will sit through that, but I take my lessons however I can get 'em....



• Watching the news & reports about passport processing delays and my insistence that he hurry up about getting his renewed. I had special plans in the works to celebrate our birthdays. That's all shot to hell now....

I didn't ignore the signs -- they've been there, since the beginning. We were both aware...I just thought we'd address them all at some point. As part of the journey. He was learning me, growing me....he said I was teaching him, too. But maybe I paid attention to the wrong things. Maybe I didn't press enough. Maybe I pressed too much. I'll never know.

What I DO know is that for all the beauty, love, intelligence, and creativity I saw in him, it's now diminished in how he chose to end our journey. I never believed he could be so.....inconsiderate, so regular. But that's partially my fault. I place the ones I love on a pedestal. I had come to expect better. Love demands more...love expects more.

And love him, I do. Love a whole buncha things about him. But I wasn't in love...yet. Perhaps, there is where his patience ran thinner than mine. I never got the chance to tell him. I figured he knew it through my actions, as they do speak louder than words, right? If there are any regrets, I guess that's it.

So, for him, our journey was dispensable -- but I wasn't done with him and letting go, hurts. All my tears are sad now. He's disappeared as he had been prone to do in the past, but the evolution of our relationship, seems complete. No make up sex for me!!!

So I dry my tears, moisturize my skin, wish him the best, since it's him not me....and wonder when...

If I am the "type of woman no man should want to let go of," I'd like to meet the man that will keep me forever.

[Song of the Day: "Sorry, I" by Will Downing]