No one can be more glad that the first 6 months of the year are over! Never have I been on such an emotional rollercoaster in my life! All unexpectedly, of course, and I'm just thankful for those milestones, date markers, and what not, that allow for reflection, reconnection....and new beginnings.
I've been seeking a word, praying for a sign -- a signal of hope, and things began to come together for me during service on yesterday. Leaving....
I've been seeking a word, praying for a sign -- a signal of hope, and things began to come together for me during service on yesterday. Leaving....
....Returning. That's next week's message.
But leaving, eh? I've been so focused on what has LEFT my life that I couldn't fully appreciate what I have.
Over the last month I've been pretty much gone myself. Funny enough, years ago, my world was full of psychologists -- my then-best friend and then-boyfriend are both psychologists, and I used to be an arm-chair shrink myself, since I was around them all the time LOL However, I remember, one time, my then-best friend making a comment about how I'm always leaving a situation. Running, if you will, from whatever the issue is. When she made the comment I was, in fact, at her house in NC, on the pretense of needing a weekend away, when in fact I was running away from my emotions. Or the weight of them in a relationship I was involved in.
I can't apologize for my desire to get away when I am feeling overwhelmed.
I've been in South Carolina, Vermont, Washington, DC, and Louisiana over the last month and it HAS been healing for my soul.
It was an interaction I had while in Vermont that made me realize I'd been focusing on the wrong things. My blessings are what sustain me, and I am incredibly BLESSED to have the love and support of my friends, especially my male friends, and I had lost focus of that.
What I realized is that for every negative male interaction I've had over the years, and trust there's been more that I care to count, I've always had a positive interaction to counteract that, be it platonic, familial, professional,or sometimes, even romantic in nature. The key is that things seemed balanced -- there was no need to fully give up on the Black man, because sometimes they do RIGHT.
The last 6 months, though, I haven't had that, or perhaps I hadn't paid attention to it, so all I could focus on was the latest negro that done messed up. And brothas gave me grief -- because I let 'em. But, something positive happened while in Vermont that made me realize how much I MISSED the positive interactions I was accustomed to in my life.
Having lived here almost 3 years now, I've grown tired of "making friends" and I don't relegate brothas to the dreaded FZ -- either we're on or we don't know each other. So outside of the men I already knew when I got here (most of whom are married, or hooked up and we just don't connect like we used to), I haven't made many new male friends, so I haven't had those experiences to counteract the negro gone awry.
But that's what getaways provide, when you least expect it.
But leaving, eh? I've been so focused on what has LEFT my life that I couldn't fully appreciate what I have.
Over the last month I've been pretty much gone myself. Funny enough, years ago, my world was full of psychologists -- my then-best friend and then-boyfriend are both psychologists, and I used to be an arm-chair shrink myself, since I was around them all the time LOL However, I remember, one time, my then-best friend making a comment about how I'm always leaving a situation. Running, if you will, from whatever the issue is. When she made the comment I was, in fact, at her house in NC, on the pretense of needing a weekend away, when in fact I was running away from my emotions. Or the weight of them in a relationship I was involved in.
I can't apologize for my desire to get away when I am feeling overwhelmed.
I've been in South Carolina, Vermont, Washington, DC, and Louisiana over the last month and it HAS been healing for my soul.
It was an interaction I had while in Vermont that made me realize I'd been focusing on the wrong things. My blessings are what sustain me, and I am incredibly BLESSED to have the love and support of my friends, especially my male friends, and I had lost focus of that.
What I realized is that for every negative male interaction I've had over the years, and trust there's been more that I care to count, I've always had a positive interaction to counteract that, be it platonic, familial, professional,or sometimes, even romantic in nature. The key is that things seemed balanced -- there was no need to fully give up on the Black man, because sometimes they do RIGHT.
The last 6 months, though, I haven't had that, or perhaps I hadn't paid attention to it, so all I could focus on was the latest negro that done messed up. And brothas gave me grief -- because I let 'em. But, something positive happened while in Vermont that made me realize how much I MISSED the positive interactions I was accustomed to in my life.
Having lived here almost 3 years now, I've grown tired of "making friends" and I don't relegate brothas to the dreaded FZ -- either we're on or we don't know each other. So outside of the men I already knew when I got here (most of whom are married, or hooked up and we just don't connect like we used to), I haven't made many new male friends, so I haven't had those experiences to counteract the negro gone awry.
But that's what getaways provide, when you least expect it.
Reflection. Reconnection. New beginnings.
I have growing to do; my emotional intimacy issues are at the surface and it's time to start working on those. Especially if I am to have a successful, committed, long-term, loving, romantic relationship with a Black man. I have some work ahead of me, personally, professionally. To re-examine my goals, my vision, my steps for achieving the things that matter.
I've also accepted that it's okay for me to grieve, for what I have lost. It's a natural part of my healing process, even if it seems to last longer than I want it to. As cliched as it is, this too shall pass.....
So I'm looking ahead to the next 6 months of the year, my life, and praying they are fruitfully blessed, full of love, excitement, adventure, and peace. Whatever experiences and opportunities are in store for me, I welcome, for they allow me to grow. To leave the past behind.
Recovery.
[Song of the Day: "No Regrets" on the NBAF Compliation Disc 2006]
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